Monday, August 24, 2015

Cuteness Dose: Tiny Whineys

Me, first birthday, 1967 (I wish I still had that Fisher Price TV.)

It's nice to have kids in my life again on a regular basis. I'm laughing more. Here's a dose of cuteness. Names have been changed to protect the young comics.
 
A parent told me about taking his son, Willy, to the dentist. Willy is highly afraid of being sedated. Willy sat in the dental chair and immediately asked the female hygienist: "Are you going to seduce me?"
 
As I was driving Tim to a park, he said, "Robyn, I have a belt."
"That's good, Tim," I affirmed. "It will keep your pants up."
"Yeah, and I don't want anyone to see my tiny whineys."

At the park, watching kids play, a little girl came up to me and said, "They are having very fun!"
"They sure are having very fun," I told her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Have some very fun this week, and don't expose your tiny whineys!
Take care and keep a smile.

Monday, August 17, 2015

Reasons for Celibacy #351-359, The Smartas and the Assman

It's time again to check the unfiltered, germ-infested waters of the dating pool and thereby affirm my reasons for celibacy. Here are said reasons, #s 351 through 359. Please enjoy. Keep a smile and a stash of chocolate.
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REASON #351: what does a guy got to do to get a gril  
Depends what kind of gril you want, babe. If you’re looking for the kind with a motorized rotisserie, for thoroughly heating meaty breasts and thighs, try Home Depot. But if you want a standard cheap and easy, warm-‘er-up-and-plop-it-into-a-bun model, Walmart’s a sure thing.


REASON #352: Do you think my tractors sexy
Judging from the fact that I can’t see it at all, and I don’t have a microscope handy, I’m going to go with a solid “no.”

REASON #353: Im a smartas...
Smart as what, buddy?

REASON #354: Hi their
High!

REASON #355: If you are out there? I am here…
Sorry, honey. I am here, and you're way out there.

REASON #356: Let there be cake!!!!!!
Now we’re talking!

REASON #357: headlines dont work.????
Such clever ones too.???? 

Alas, a man with a good sense of humor:
REASON #358: Parachute for sale, used once, never opened!! 
Note: He appears easy on the eyes, and he’s younger than me (that would be a refreshing change), but he wants kids AND nothing serious. Talk about an (oxy) moron.  

REASON #359: Don't half ass two things...whole ass one thing    
Write more later
I think you just half assed one thing, assman.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

Naughty Teacher! Back to School Erotica

Dear Sillies,
This class is for adults only. Mutual consent forms are required, in addition to standard safety precautions. Thank you. Happy almost Back-to-School time!
Be well, and remember: Sharing is caring, and learning is fun!

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Not Again! IWSG and Martha Stewart


First Wed of Every Month

Actual Martha Stewart quotes       Martha      //  Robyn (plain bold)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So sorry, dear readers, but I can't keep Martha from invading my studio--especially not when she knows she'll have an audience during Alex's monthly IWSG. Martha saunters to center-stage, grabs her crotch, and launches into a series of pelvic thrusts. Damnit lady! What does it take to get rid of you? Martha stops mid-thrust. Huh? Suddenly enraged, she shouts: I want you to know that I am innocent - and that I will fight to clear my name! Since you're here for the fight, Martie, tell me, how much did you pay for this creative book cover? Robyn holds up one of Martha Stewart's many boring, horribly designed, and difficult to understand cookbooks with recipes that - if followed - may likely land you in the Emergency Room.
Product DetailsMartha pulls a flask of Jack Daniels out of her Martha Stewart bag and takes a swig. Oh yeah, well I was married for 30 years. Isn't that enough? I've had my share of dirty underwear on the floor. I ain't touching that, lady. I just wanna say that I just published a book, and it looks a lot better than yours. Peggy Sue could do better. And I had to confront my insecurities head on, you know, and I don't mean anything sexual by that because there's very little sex and a lot of impotence in my book, because it's non-fiction and -- I can't hear you, Martha interrupts, with her index fingers in her ears. You're wasting my time. I mean, I catnap now and then, but I think while I nap, so it's not a waste of time. All I'm trying to say --Robyn turns to the audience, as Martha crashes face-first onto the cold stage floor -- is that we're all human. Well, almost all of us. And humans have insecurities. So let's admit it and be secure about the fact that we're insecure. Because people who pretend to be totally secure aren't worthy of our time and attention. I mean, look at this cookbook cover! 
   It took me years to write my book because that's how long it took to work through my vulnerabilities to a point wherein I could write about them in a way that works for you, dear reader - with authenticity and no shame (or shame but no whining). 
   While it's mostly a funny and ultimately uplifting story, it's sad too. I reveal a lot of hurts and intimacies--things I'd never before shared with anyone.
  But this post isn't intended to be an in-your-face sales pitch. I'm writing this to say that insecurities are part of being human. And the two words that have kept me going as a writer are what I'll say to you. All that it takes to publish a book, or to accomplish any project you set out to accomplish, in spite of your insecurities, is this: KEEP GOING.
  That's all. Thank you for stopping by, dear sillies. Robyn walks over Martha as she exits the studio and shouts at stagehand Macaulay Culkin to sweep up the trash on the studio floor.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Happily Ever After? Trashing My Wedding Dress!




Wedding Day, 7/1/07

I wrote this bit in 2010, and I've posted it once or twice...

   "As wonderful as things are at this moment," Rabbi Wyse promised, "it will get even better, better than you could ever imagine."
  Touched by these words, I stood teary-eyed with my new husband, an expansive rainbow colored stained glass window accentuating our loving aura. It was indeed a magical day, and a delectable future beckoned entry.

  The months and years to follow, though? Not so much. Okay, when does this happily ever after thing kick in? I wondered, as life plummeted into a miserable abyss. How could a man of the cloth be so off base?
  More recently, however, I learned the wisdom behind those words. The Rabbi was right, after all. It would get even better than I ever dreamed it could be. I just didn't realize it would take so long after the marriage, and the divorce, to find my happily ever after.

 
This is the wedding dress, blemished by my chocolate drunkenness during a book cover photo session. (See previous series.) I never expected it to be so fun. And after a long drive home (with my chocolate wedding dress in a bag and me in more normal clothes), I tossed it into its rightful new home:
 
With my arms out-stretched in a victory "V", I alas had the happy, healing ending to that chapter of my life and book


Have a peaceful week, dear sillies, and take care of yourselves.