And I Wrote This Book.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Reasons for Celibacy #376 -383: Lord's Pick // Giveaway Announcement!

And now, onto reasons number 376 through 383 for a straight single gal to avoid the dating swamps in favor of eternal celibacy. These ads represent the options. It doesn't get much worse. And yet, neither does it get much better. As usual, what's bolded is lifted directly from on-line dating forums.
My snarky comments follow. Please enjoy...from afar.
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REASON #376: HelloAsk me a thing you want
Okay, will you give me a nice, big, dark man or piece of chocolate?

REASON #377: You Down Enuff??? 
Any further down, sweetie, and I’ll see the Earth’s core or Uranus.

My favorite of this bunch:
REASON #378: I want the Lord pick the girl for me! 
Honey, the Lord undoubtedly has a high-speed Wifi connection, but I’m guessing the Almighty ain’t reading this ad.  Try increasing the font and see if that works!

REASON #379: looking for a fun girl country or other 
Well, “other” leaves the field wide open, so that’s a good strategy. As far as “fun girl country,” I’m thinking you’d do best to stick with the free world: US, Canada, or a Chippendales bachelorette party in the Swiss Alps.

REASON #380: Humble with a hint of Kanye
Dude, that’s like saying anorexic with a hint of Oprah, or civilized with a hint of Trump, or sexually desirable with a hint of Martha Stewart. It just doesn’t work.

REASON #381: i do not get the meet me,send mesge
i do not get it either, babe.

REASON #382: don't look to hard
Alas, that’s what I’ve been doing wrong! Whenever I look to hard, it goes soft. Thank you! You’re a genius!

REASON #383: Essentially Male
Does this mean you are marginally, practically, or secretly Female? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, sweetheart. We're all on the spectrum.
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Keep a smile, my friends, as we enter a new month.

In February, our staff and crew like to collect as much Valentine's Hate as we're able. So we're sponsoring our annual Hate Love Sweet Package GIVEAWAY! The next string of posts will be dedicated to the GIVEAWAY.  Winner will receive a generous package of sweetness.

Rules: (1) Be a follower --of my blog, that is. (2) For the next week or so (I'll announce that here) submit in the comments section your best and most humorous hateful Valentine's message in UP TO AND NOT MORE THAN 50 WORDS. Flattery works for me, so don't hold back, BUT I'll put it up to public vote. I'll make the deciding vote, if needed. It's kinda your standard cooperative communistic dictatorship. Wink. (You like that, CW?) 

Ready, set, go!
Can't wait to read your entries.

Take care, dear sillies.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

The Greatest in Chocolate: Deep Fried Oreos!

I needed a getaway last weekend, so I got away. If you read my book, you might remember my second date with Justin. He took me to a special area from his childhood, and he treated me to a delicious family-style dinner at Negri's. And then, well, that date and chapter ended with a hot and playful sex scene. Remember? (I added this factoid as a cheap attempt to increase sales. Click on image to the left for more info on Woman on the Verge of Paradise. Wink.)

Anyway, a decade later, I was drawn back to where it all began with Justin: Occidental. Nestled in wine-country pine-trees and populated by peace-loving, hipster, wine-indulging bohemian artsy folk, I had a wonderfully relaxing time. And I had...
THREE DEEP FRIED OREOS ala mode!!!

I'm always thinking of you, dear sillies. So it was with concerted effort that I enjoyed this while simultaneously attempting to accurately describe their awesomeness in words. "MMMMmmm!!!" is really all I came up with. They were so damn good! I have no words. *Blissful, blissful sigh.*

On a scale of 1-10, I give Negri's deep fried oreos a 15, with a smile that radiates
post-deep-fried-oreo afterglow.
*Blissful, blissful sigh.*
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On a completely different note, I'm thankful to Elephant'sChild for the suggestion that I submit poetry to Rat's Ass Review, an online poetry magazine for women's sex poems. A couple of hours after I submitted, I received word that two of my erotica poems (Valentinerotica and Springtimerotica) would be published here. It's the first time anyone but me accepted my poetry for publication. And it's a very fun, non-traditional (i.e., not boring, snobby, or migraine inducing) site. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be well, my dear sillies.

Take care of yourselves.

*Blissful, blissful sigh.*

Monday, January 18, 2016

Courage, Honoring Martin Luther King

"If a man hasn't found something he will die for, he isn't fit to live." -Martin Luther King
      I disagree with this quote, because it sets the bar beyond the stars. This gal's simply looking for a guy who isn't a dufus or dweeb, dead or married. But the quote reveals why Martin Luther King was among the greatest of the greats of all time. He refused to stop forcing what's right, whatever the cost. 
    That said, I'm reposting Courage. 
    I hope you have an appreciative day and week, my dear sillies.
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Courage 

                                           Extending the dance, 
When you’ve long lost your groove
Swimming to shore too frail to move.

Stepping towards light, when darkness abounds
Permitting a laugh amid no other sounds.

Confronting a beast no one should endure
It strikes with no warning, no reprieve and no cure.
 
Snuggling with hope, when the pain you can’t bare
Unveiling your heart in the face of despair.

Conveying a smile, when you’d much rather cry
Speaking the truth though it’s safer to lie.

Taking a stance, when integrity’s lost
Forcing what’s right in spite of the cost.
 

Holding to faith in your value and worth
Maintaining a grace that softens the earth.
 

Passing with ease
As you air your last breath

A hero whose soul
Transcends life
and death.

-Robyn Alana Engel

Sunday, January 10, 2016

The Orange Mofo With a Fungus on His Head ~ My First Rap!

Dear Sillies,
This isn't a political post. If it were, I'd tell you that I'm voting for...Let's just say my bud CW Martin calls me a "reasonable Communist." CW is so right, too.
And now onto my first rap "song." Hope you enjoy!

The extraordinarily fun and funny, sassy and silly Janie Junebug is posting something special here today. I'm honored. Kindly visit and follow, if you aren't already. Janie's a gracious hostess.

Thank you, friends.
Take care.

Avoid fungus, unless you like mushrooms (mushroom and pineapple pizza is my favorite), and keep a smile.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Reasons for Celibacy, #368-375: Cape Diem!!

Dear friends, here's to a sweet 2016! A new start is always a good thing. Right? So is silliness. That said, here we go with my Reasons for Celibacy, #368 through 375. As usual, I posted these "accidentally" -shall we say?- for your entertainment.* They've been lifted directly from current on-line dating ads. Actual headlines are bolded, and my snarky commentary is italicized. Please enjoy.
*I can't imagine what else they might be good for. Can you?
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REASON #368: family man and a thrusworthy friend to have. 
Gotta admit, I like a man who’s thrusworthy.

REASON #369: im just looking for someone to do things
You haven’t found one, huh? The world’s getting lazy, ain’t it?

REASON #370: you don't half to look no more
You’re my better half? Are you related to the guy who says we should whole ass one thing? Or the one who’s a full-time dad 50% of the time? Do you even half siblings or half-siblings, bro?

REASON #371: i am looking for gril friend
Don’t you need a good, hard poker for that? 

REASON #372: Are you down?
Sometimes, sweetie, like when I miss loved ones who died, contemplate the fate of human existence, and read personal ads.

REASON #373: Cape Diem!!
Woohoo!! Have I met my soul mate in an Underdog fan? Mighty Mouse? Batman’s “little buddy”? *smirk* Cape Diem to you too, Boy Wonder!!

REASON #374: looking for a great adventue
Pee-wee Heman’s?

REASON #375: *Insert cleaverness here*
Okay: *Ward, I think you were too hard on the Beaver last night.*

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Keep a smile, and a stash of chocolate in the event of emergencies or non-emergencies.
HAPPY 2016, my sillies!!