A life by chocolate entails finding sweetness in the light and dark. Moreso, it's about addiction to cocoa. An insatiable sweet tooth doesn't hurt. Well, not until the yucky tartar buildup and stuff. To the point, I strive to entertain with topics such as the utter hilarity and cuteness of children; the challenges of dating, my related rationale for celibacy; and chocolate as a precious remedy for it all. Thanks for sampling Life by Chocolate. I hope you keep coming back for more.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Martha Stewart: How Can We Miss Her if She Won't Leave? And YOUR BEST COMMENTS!

It's not enough to survive the A-Z Challenge, we're supposed to write some sort of insightful reflection post. Thus, in retrospect, I've brought Martha back to display her Hefty Heffer Hideaway, as a reminder of where she hides a Cuisinart, handcuffs, salad bowl, and insider trade secrets. That's as insightful as it got around here. I'll add that I couldn't stop laughing throughout April. Thank you for that, and I'm sorry for the nausea. It's Martie's fault. But your comments were over-the-top hilarious. Here are some of my favorites: 

Birgit said She could also get that fat taken off and use the lard for a new pie recipe.
Elephant's Child said I wonder how much she will charge for the limited edition, pink, sparkly, glow in the dark, autographed, musical (plays money, money, money) version?

Ruth said  You know, that massager shares a remarkable resemblance to the shape of Mrs. Butterworth.

Rhonda Albom  said Oh my, silly women, that's not where handcuffs go. 

Stephen Hayes said Thanks, Martha, for marketing something likely to put me out of business!

Anthony J. Langford said For 700 bucks you'd want it to call you darlin and make your breakfast.

Jacqueline said What she really needs is a fanny fluffer, still won't get her a *bleep* though. AND Now I'm thinking of a Stewie and Heffner pairing. Thank goodness they're past the breeding years; the excess of vapidity would produce a black hole of a baby...

Al Penwasser said Immature men enjoy a *bleep* now and then, too. AND The Lord helps those who help themselves. In other words, I get better when I practice.

Mitchell is Moving said Bette Midler once talked about tucking a Smith-Corona typewriter under her boobs. Ah, for the good old days!

JoJo said Those are some bodacious tatas.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said Sorry Martha, not even if you were the last *bleeping* woman on earth...

Jeff Bushman and She could probably modify that thing's power source by connecting it to a weed whip engine. At least then it would match the speed of her mouth!

 Jeremy Hawkins said What is going on here... I am feeling a little wrong? It might just be me...


Wednesday, April 29, 2015

The Zen of Martha Stewart's Adult Lifestyle Combination Package: Oy Vey, It's Finally Over!!

Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and what a month it's been. Let's take a look back. Shall we? You've seen my Hefty Heffer Hideaway, with enough flappy fat in which to stash a Cuisinart. You caught glimpses from my scandalous sex tape series. I sported my very manly chest, then belched and grabbed my crotch, when on Testosterone. I cleaned up inside with the handy dandy Vaginal Vac. Don't forget that a clean beaver always gets more wood. Last night, some Yearlong Yuletide cheer did me in. Best of all, Arnold thinks it's great. And so do you. Admit it. I'll sell it all to you -- the whole alphabet's worth of items combined in this lovely Zen of Martha Stewart's Adult Lifestyle Combination Package -- for $70 million. Just buy it. You know you want to. *Wink.* Is this *bleep'n* thing finally over? *Bleep* That little *bleep* who runs this blog. She's a sick *bleep*! Oh, hi. I didn't know the cameras were still rolling. Tootles!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Martha Stewart's Yearlong Yuletide Cheer: A-Z Challenge

Martha Stewart stumbles in, gripping a 3 foot tall glass of something we can only assume is non-virgin. High-oh! I'm Mar, Mar, Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! F*k Jan! I'm Marsha Stew, Stupor, and I like to get sloshed sometimes and th, then all the other times too. Times two. Get it? Yeppers, I gotta big, real big and long glass for ya. It's yer, year-shlong. I mean, it's y, yer Yearlong Yuletide Cheer. Put what you wantinit. I like to mix it up with Jack Black Daniel Boon Arnold P, P, Pomegranate 'cuz he da man of my dr, drinks. Waiter, gets me a taxi driver. A young hot dark one, fast! Martha collapses and no one cares to help. 

Monday, April 27, 2015

Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit: A-Z Challenge

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to fantasize as much as the next over-sexed old *bleep* who hasn't gotten laid since the invention of the egg-beater. So I created Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit. This rather handy kit comes with  a dark and sultry mannequin with removable clothing and anatomically correct genitalia; a lit candle; and two voyeurs, because - really - who doesn't enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism? And now, if you'll excuse me...Martha shoves the mannequin onto the floor and pounces atop it/him. Jack Black jumps in to join the fun. Queen Elizabeth holds her "I'm so over Commoners" glare for several hours. We won't  go into any more detail. Let your fantasies take over from here.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights: A-Z'ing

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to keep things neat and tidy. So I've created Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights. Use them prematurely, during, or immediately after an unsightly mess ensues from a rough and wild night of passionate sex (alone, in the company of a well-endowed blow-up doll, or with a paid escort). Gently dab the wipe onto the stain or penile head, and - viola! - the wet mess dries up immediately, and you're ready for your next house-guest. These wipes are conveniently wafer-thin, soft and delicate. You might think they're like other cleaning inventions. But these ones include a Martha Stewart label, and they're on sale at Macy's or Nymph I am for $300 per box.  Clean up your act and make the purchase. You'll be glad you did. Tootles!