And I Wrote This Book.

Friday, April 29, 2016

Zombiezoodoo, Z Grand Finale!

The Zombiezoodoo brings us to a zany closure, folks.
It's been one heckuva month.

Through it all, I still burn for Bernie, but that's not going nearly as well as it should.
Realistically, worst case scenario: First US Female President. That ain't bad and it's a lot better than the orange mofo with a fungus (and so many other fascinating things) on his head.

For bonus points: Can you find Caitlyn?

Martha brings it on home in her usual hefty, over-sexed, flat chested, wet-grungy-beaver manner. Arnie thinks that's great, sex tape rumors fly, and it's all gluten free!

Theme song for this A-Z Challenge: Orange Mofo With A Fungus on His Head

Thank you for making it to Z with me, my playful, brave sillies.
Love and sweet chocolate thoughts all around.
Take care of yourselves and kindly excuse me while I get some zzzzzzzzs.

Yesterday's News; Martha, Martha, Martha, A-Z Challenge

We've trumped the Trump with Yesterday's News and a Yucca Tree. It's the Yuckyesterdoo. Imagine a day when this orange mofo is Yesterday's News. What a glorious thought! In times like these, we need to hold tight to such glorious thoughts until they're realized.

Martha Stewart stumbles in, gripping a 3 foot tall glass of something non-virgin.
"High-oh! I'm Mar, Mar, Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! F*k Jan! I'm Marsha Stew, Stupor, and I like to get sloshed sometimes and th, then all the other times too. Times two. Get it? Yeppers, I gotta big, real big and long glass for ya. It's yer, year-shlong. I mean, it's y, yer Yearlong Yuletide Cheer. Put what you wantinit. I like to mix it up with Jack Black Daniel Boon Arnold P, P, Pomegranate 'cuz he da man of my dr, drinks. Waiter, gets me a taxi driver. A young hot dark one, fast! Martha collapses and no one cares to help."
"That's a yuge drink," Trump says. "We're gonna make the Muslims in Mexico pay. I'm smart. I'm really smart. All the women on my show wanted me. I understand. I'm handsome. I like women, oh yeah, I like women. The brown people are druggies and rapists. Some are good. They're my servants. Build a wall. I sued the NFL and won a dollar from it. They'll pay for it. I've been bankrupted four times but that was in the past. Sure, I cheated on all my wives. Can you blame me? Everyone wants me! You should see my tower! It's really tall! I got no problems with that. Yeah, you'll see. I like women." 

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Trump Slammed by Xifaxan and Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit

Late breaking news: CNN just announced that Donald Trump's bowels are irritating and irritable, yet extremely liberal regarding movement in gender neutral bathrooms. When interviewed at a unisex urinal somewhere in DC, an anonymous source close to Trump stated this: "Trump has diarrhea and abdominal pain." Clearly, folks, the Donald is challenged by IBS-D, Irritable Bowel Syndrome with Diarrhea. Thus, we've very generously slammed his head-top with Xifaxan for IBS-D, rifaximin 550 mg tablets.  Will this Xifaxandoodoodoo stop Trump from being a poo-poo head? We certainly hope so.  
Speaking of irritating bowels, Martha's back!
"I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to fantasize as much as the next over-sexed *bleep* who hasn't gotten laid since the invention of the egg-beater. So I created Martha Stewart's X-Rated Fantasy Kit. This rather handy kit comes with  a dark and sultry mannequin with removable clothing and anatomically correct genitalia; a lit candle; and two voyeurs, because - really - who doesn't enjoy the thrill of exhibitionism? And now, if you'll excuse me...Martha shoves the mannequin onto the floor and pounces atop it/him. Jack Black jumps in to join the fun. Queen Elizabeth holds her 'I'm so over Commoners' glare for several hours. We won't  go into any more detail, but -yes- a sheep and small camel were involved."

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Waverlywizwackyness, Martha's sexual fetishes, A-Z Challenge

When will it end? Why did I sign up? Why do I have so many wonderful followers when I'm such a wackadoodle? Why is Harry Potter wasting his charm and skills on Trump's head? He's cursing the Trump, we wish, want and will make it so. This WaverlyWizardoo will make things right where all orange evil is concerned. We're promised. And how can we not trust this Waverly Wizard? Look, even Trump is beginning to wonder if he shouldn't have purchased those golf bags on which he had these words engraved in gold: "President Trump, Dicktator of the Universe. I'm rich. I have billions. And I'm smart. I'm rilly smart." 
Wait, will Martha steal his thunder, or will she erupt some thunder of her own?

I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to keep things neat and tidy. So I've created Martha Stewart's Wafer-thin Windex Wipes for Wild Nights. Use them prematurely, during, or immediately after an unsightly mess ensues from a rough and wild night of passionate sex (alone, in the company of a well-endowed blow-up doll, or with a paid escort).

Monday, April 25, 2016

Volcaneckdoo, Trump and Martha - not again! A-Z Challenge

He's such an explosive hot-head, we thought it fitting to place this volcanic neck on Trump's scalp. It's called Shiprock, so he likes it. Trump figures it comes from the town of Bedrock and that he's now President of the Waterbuffalos.

"Mexicans are gonna pay for it," he says smugly. "Oh yeah, they'll pay. We're gonna make 'em. Hey, is Pebbles of legal age yet? Man, I have a thing for red heads with bones in their hair. Did I mention that if my daughter weren't my daughter I'd boink her? She's a sex-pot."
Robyn: You're a sick, sick, evil, twisted, racist, hateful, ignoramus, sir.
Trump: Hey, I like sex, and a man has his rights, whether or not he's married. I have no problems in that area. Believe me, I have no problems. But shut your trap little runt about the amus. That's not my thing, you pervert!

Robyn raises her longest finger as she notices a wet yet clean beaver, a special vacuum, and Martha Stewart's upper half. "Crap. So sorry, my friends."

"Hi, I'm Martha Stewart, and I like to clean up inside. You never know when you might have visitors. For that reason, I designed the Vaginal Vacuum. It's lightweight, easy to operate, and it bends with my intricate cobwebs, jolting speed bumps, and glaring road-blocks. Vacuum any time you like, day or night. You can purchase Martha Stewart's Vaginal Vac for  only $899. Batteries not included. Remember, a clean beaver always finds more wood."

Sunday, April 24, 2016

The Ushdoo, Martha's Umbrella, A-Z Challenge

Usher: Free me! Let my people go!
Robyn: Wh-wait? Usher, you celebrate Passover? That's hot!
Usher: I don't know what you're talking about, ma'am. I jus was tryin' to get my suitcase back from Trump Towers.
Robyn: Oh, sorry, dude. I didn't think you'd mind doing the Ushdoo. And Trump asked for one of those "Brown people" so he looks like he's not racist. And you're a cute one.

Usher, nodding: I know.

Trump:   Look, Usher, I told you 11 years ago I'd take care of it. Didn't I? I'm kinda busy, in case you didn't notice. I'm a very busy man. I'm a very smart man too. And I'm rich. I have billions of dollars. I'm very, very rich. I like Blacks and coloreds and some of the Mexicans are my servants. The others, though, they ruin our country. The Mexican Muslims are terrorists. Let's make America hate again! I mean, let's make America great again! And why'd you leave your suitcase at the reception area of a hotel with $100,000 of stuff in it? Are you mentally impotent? I'm very smart. And rich. I'm really rich...

On-line article dated 04/18/2005 AT 09:00 AM EDT
ROBBED: Usher claims a suitcase of his containing $100,000 worth of belongings was taken Friday from New York's Trump International Hotel by someone posing as a member of his posse, reports the New York Post, which also quotes Donald Trump as promising to make good on the loss. "I told him we'll get it solved," The Apprentice host said. Trump adds, referring to the missing article: "I'm trying to figure out why somebody would leave a bag at the front desk."

Martha: Did someone say "escort"? Oh, that was "Usher." Never mind. But look at me, folks. Ignore those two. I can't stand it when other people get attention.
"I'm Martha Stewart, and let's face it, everyone wants a piece of me. So I created the Umbrella Hair Collector. It fits snuggly around my neck for around-the-clock usage. It's waterproof, so there's no need to remove it before showering.  The soft neutral gray adds a splash of color to otherwise drab white outfits. I shed, oh, about half a dozen times per day. By the end of one week, the Umbrella Hair Collector has enough of my hair to provide the entire city of New Haven with at least one follicle per person. Each follicle, strand, or half of a split-end costs a mere $6.99. What's more, it's a piece of me, Martha Stewart. What could be better? Well...Martha blushes...besides, you know.  Yeah, a well-endowed blow-up doll in my apple orchard with an egg-beater. *F*ck yeah!*"